We will see if Blogspot lets us on tonight.  It has been a day to day thing around here for whatever reason.  Though we still can’t view our blog by going to aitugan.com (it just won’t load), until the last few days we had been able to log in to our blogger account and create new posts or edit old posts.  Now we seem unable to do even that.  We will see if tonight is any different.

Much has happened since we last spoke, so let’s dive right in. 

Nurai is doing wonderfully well.  She is bright eyed and cheerful, has a wonderful little giggle, and of course those sweet dimples. 

She is doing very well with both sitting and standing, and on a few occasions has gotten up into a crawl position with her knees under her and done that gecko mating dance thing of ramping back and forth whilst terrific grunting noises emanate from some primordial place within her tiny body.

A steady hand placed in the small of her back allows her to play upright in a sitting position for minutes at a time before the inevitable forward flop, while a single hand gently under an armpit allows her to stand and rock quite successfully for five or more minutes at a stretch.

Visits to the ‘Cell’ continue as they have since the beginning, though today may have marked a real, if grossly overdue, changing point.  I don’t want to belabor the point, but it truly is a tiny space measuring 4’6” wide and 4’8” long and bounded by 3 walls and a table.  I spend most of the visits sitting on my ankles because my legs simply take up too much valuable space otherwise. 

Making matters worse is the fact that the Baby House Director’s office is just a few feet away from our space.  On a number of occasions when Tougy is acting up or being loud, a head will pop out of the doorway and look disapprovingly at us and ask what is wrong with her.  It is truly maddening.

 I mentioned that today, day 22, may have been a turning point because as I was visiting with Nurai, a woman I had never seen before was standing at the director’s doorway motioning for me to pick Nurai up off the floor and indicating through Russian charades that the ground was cold and the baby would get sick. 

Having been witness to the irrational fear of cold a number of times before, I dutifully ignored her and attempted to get back to my visit, but she was persistent and began a tirade of motions and words to which I eventually looked up and responded ‘Nyet’ with a haphazard wave-off with my hand.  

Well that wasn’t the end of that.  She disappeared for a bit but then came back with one of the baby house higher-ups and asked where Zhenia (my translator) was.  A few minutes later I see them all talking at the other end of the hall, and not long after that, Zhenia asks me to come downstairs and talk with the Baby House folks. 

As it happens, the woman I tried to ignore is the Director, not of the Baby House, but of the children’s rehabilitation center in which the Baby House has temporarily set up shop while renovations continue at the official Baby House.  Confusing I know, but essentially at the moment, she is higher than the Baby House Director, and as such, asked them to find a more suitable place for us. 

Turns out, with just two visits left, that the large, sunny, warm, and carpeted Music Room is vacant from 1-4 everyday, and ‘would we mind changing our visit time’?  Well damn that sure seemed simple.  Couldn’t have thought of that, oh I don’t know, maybe three weeks ago.

That visits had been so impractical as the four of us in the small space is the reason why we, on several occasions, have left one of us back with Tougy at the apartment while the other visited, and certainly played a large part in our decision to return home immediately following court. 

Now of course, as this new and vastly superior space looms, we are frustrated by both the loss of bonding and development that could have occurred over the past 3-plus weeks, and that which may have been had our plans been to stay a little longer. 

Why Kaz adoption is so full of such trials is really beyond me.  We try and remain positive and want desperately to believe that our agency and its affiliates want both what is best for the child and what is best for the family, but really, it is difficult at times to see the logic in the choices made and the degree of confusion that results from the seemingly arbitrary withholdings, misdirections, and mistruths. 

On this topic, we recently found out that Aitugan’s birth mom was reportedly from Shymkent.  We heard this a couple weeks ago from our in-country coordinator here who had spoken with her counterpart in Astana with whom we worked in 2007.  This was certainly news to us. 

As we approached our court date for Tougy’s adoption, we had been given a long and fairly detailed story about whom the birthmother might have been, but it never involved a location I assure you.  As KJ spoke with this our old coordinator today for the first time since we left Astana, it was suggested that we were told, but must have forgotten. 

No, I don’t think so.  Given that we have clung to every detail we were given and still remembered the story exactly as it was retold to us again today, it is truly not possible that the one detail we did forget was that the birthmother had a hometown, and that that hometown was here in Shymkent. 

A further confounding mistruth(is that less accusatory than saying lie – we still need her help) was confirmed today.  I hesitate somewhat to write this for we now know that Nurai is a wonderful completion to our family, but you all know we had our doubts and fears early on, so I will just be honest. 

We were specifically told to show up here in Kaz ASAP as there were two available children that matched our criteria.  As you know, we spent a considerable amount of energy and money moving our travel date up as much as we possibly could and were on a plane four days later.  

Soon after arriving at the Baby House that first day, we asked about other available children and were told another family ‘from America… or maybe Europe’ had arrived ahead of us and was bonding with one of the children. 

Well we were suspicious then, grew doubtful as weeks went by and we never saw sign of them, and know now that we are in fact the only family to have visited since the Baby House moved the facilities a few days before our arrival.

So why the lie ( okay I said it), and why the false hurry up over kids we were never shown.  You just want to call them out on their crap, but at the same time they are all you have here in country and you need them to continue.  It flat out sucks!  Deep Breath…

So we have a court date as I think I have mentioned previously, and that day is next Monday at 2:30pm.  As we are now to be visiting Nurai in the new space at 1:30pm, I am doubtful that we will get a full visit in on Monday, though we have asked to return to the Baby House after court for a final visit. 

We then plan to spend Monday night here in Shymkent, fly Tuesday morning to Almaty, then fly Wednesday morning from Almaty to Boston through Amsterdam.  You may recall we had hoped to meet up with Sara, Adam and Rylie Tennen in Astana for a few days and then hoped to spend some time in Almaty with Gary and Stephanie Karp… well plans change.

The Tennens arrived here in Kaz a couple days ago now and, as seems to be happening with greater frequency, were shown children who fell entirely outside of their Homestudy/USCIS approvals.  They are en route to a different city here in Kaz in the morning in hopes that their child does indeed exist in Kaz. 

As for the Karp family, I have not talked with Steph to know exactly what has happened, I just know that their travel plans have been delayed and they remain at home.  Our hearts and thoughts go out to both families.

We are looking forward to being home, and have been led to believe that court here is a simple and straightforward affair with little if anything to fear, and so we hope for a smooth last few days here in Shymkent. 

Continuing with the idea of being honest, this process has been very difficult emotionally for all three of us and has taxed us all in ways we probably don’t yet fully realize.  Having Tougy here with us this time has been the biggest difference, and while we certainly can’t imagine her not being with us this whole time, it changes everything. 

For her, the lack of peers, structure, familiarity, and general freedom has been palpably difficult, while for us, the lack of personal time and down time is draining.  We are with Tougy all day long and then try to take care of other things, like this blog, after she is asleep, but she is not sleeping well or regularly, and as a result neither are we. 

The lack of freedom to plan and move through your day as fits the needs of the family is also difficult.  Of course this was the case in Astana as well, but then it was just KJ and me. 

Hoping that whatever time our in-country team has selected for a given anything will agree with Tougy’s schedule and current position along what seems to be a limited continuum ranging from merely tired to wiped out is taking its toll on all of us. 

The amount of energy expended coaxing and cajoling Tougy to hold it together for ‘five more minutes’ repeatedly throughout the day leaves us all on the empty side and there has been little with which to recharge or rebalance.  Tougy so misses her school and her friends, and I miss it for her as well. 

Likewise, I selfishly miss my freedom.  I love Tougy dearly, but that doesn’t mean that I would choose to spend every minute of every day with her.  Sounds like such a horrible thing to say, but the things that make me happy and recharge my soul and, in that state, enable me to be a good father, are things that I do alone, mostly through working and creating with my hands.  Being removed from those parts of me leaves me depleted and seemingly incapable of being both the father I want to always be for my kids, and the husband I want to be for KJ.

And so we are looking forward to home even though it will mean leaving Nurai here without us for the time being.  It is a depressing prospect, though we know that as a family of four, it is what is best as the five hours a week that we can spend with Nurai at the Baby House can’t quite account for all that is forsaken in the remaining 163 hours of the week. 

It will be with mixed emotions that we turn and head for home next week and we will think of Nurai constantly and look forward to the day we are all together as a family forever.

Take Care.